Continued From Here
February 15, 2011
1:30 AM
I had barely had time to sit on the bed when nurses started buzzing in around me. I knew them all. Haley, Julie and Tina...each performing their own task. One putting a gown on me, one giving me an IV, one trying to find the fetal heart rate on the monitor.
Trying.
Trying to find the heart beat. Trying.
Still trying.
Nothing.
And this is when I closed my eyes. I put my right arm up over my face covering my eyes and I just tried to hide. Hide my emotions, my shock, my fears. I listened. I was shaking and tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't bare it.
Nothing.
One nurse took over the monitor. I could feel the tension between the two nurses. The silence was unbearable. All I could hear was static.
And then after what seemed like an eternity...
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
He was there. He was still alive. He was still strong.
I still couldn't uncover my face. I couldn't look at anyone...I was in shock, shaking, cold, and starting to have strong contractions.
Ouch.
And for a brief moment I had a pretty normal thought about how in the world women have been enduring labor for all of time. How? It hurts so bad.
Ouch.
I was back in reality and knew that although things looked good on the monitor, something was wrong or I wouldn't be bleeding.
The room cleared for a brief moment and I asked Scott to give me a blessing. As he laid his hands on my head I felt a love that can only come from a father. My Heavenly Father. I don't remember what was said, only how I felt. I felt calm. Loved. Faithful. Even peaceful.
The room started buzzing again with nurses and Doctors.
My Dr. came into the room and for a minute I was able to joke light-heartedly about what had just taken place.
And for a moment, I allowed myself to feel excitement for the baby that I would (cross fingers) be holding very soon.
I told my Dr. to be careful. I told him that I wanted to have more kids. I told him to take his time and to put me back together better than he found me.
Who knew at that moment the irony that those words would soon possess?
Who knew?
Continued
March 23, 2011
March 16, 2011
The Gift of Life Part One: In the Middle of the Night
Continued From Here
February 14, 2011
It started as a normal Valentine's Day, except for the guilt I was feeling over not doing anything special for my family. I hadn't made sugar cookies with almond frosting, or bought gifts or even planned something fun for me and my lover...I had just written the day off as a failure. I was scheduled to deliver my fourth child on the morning of the 16th, 2 days from now. I was huge and uncomfortable, and I couldn't figure out how I was going to sit in the chair at the salon for three hours while Megan performed her magic and made me wonderfully blonde.
The three hours at the salon passed surprisingly fast and I was off to pick up my kids from Haley's house. When I arrived I was invited to stay for lunch. I vegged on Haley's couch and just let her pamper me. Good 'ole Tyler even picked me up my very own Diet Pepsi and I sat and sipped on it for hours while the kids played.
The rest of the day is pretty blurry which means I probably went home and took a long nap. When Scott arrived home from work he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers in hand and my guilt for dropping the ball on Valentine's Day set in again. Bad Wife. Bad Mom.
When we retired to bed that night I sent a text to Haley to thank her for feeding and pampering the fat lady on her couch all afternoon. She was working the night shift as a nurse in Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told me NOT to go into labor because they were swamped and didn't have any room. I fell asleep thinking about how glad I was that I could just sleep the night away and knew that I was having the baby in two days. I still had a lot to do to get ready.
February 15, 2011
1:15 AM
I awoke in a sudden panic. I wondered if I had just wet my pants. I sat up on the side of my bed and felt a real rush of fluid and realized that this must be it, my water broke! A million thoughts went through my mind in that instant. At the top of the list was my amazement that I had been right.That the nagging feeling that I was going to go into labor on my own, which I had never done before, came true.
As I ran for the bathroom, it felt as if I was in a slow motion dream. What started out as instant excitement suddenly became my darkest fear. As my head turned around to view what was happening I noticed that what I thought had been my water breaking, instead was blood. In one second my eyes trailed from the blood on the mattress to the blood on the floor. I sat down on the toilet staring at the blood draining down my legs and I felt sudden panic. I had just read a blog about a couple wanting to adopt a child after their own baby had been stillborn at 39 weeks. "Oh, please, Lord, no!"
I glanced back into the toilet at the blood that was coming out of me. From the bathroom I could see two blood clots laying on my carpet about the size of my fist. I finally came out of my daze. I yelled for Scott.
Scott had been disappearing to the couch every night. I had been suffering from a weird pregnancy symptom which had caused all of my sinuses to swell and I couldn't breathe at night. He couldn't stand the snoring (can you blame him?) and had stared sleeping on the couch. I yelled for him again. He entered the room and shock fell over him too. It was a bloody mess. I told him to get me my phone and I immediately began making phone calls from the bathroom toilet.
I called Haley but she didn't answer.
I called 911. I told the woman that answered that I was in shock and couldn't think clearly and to transfer me to the Hospital. She told me that she couldn't do that but that she could call them for me. This was perfect. I told her to tell Labor and Delivery that I was coming in and to make room, to call my doctor immediately and to have him on his way. I told her to tell them that I was bleeding, and bleeding hard. She asked me for some information and then we hung up. This was the best call I made. This wonderful woman was true to her word and the hospital was called immediately.
Next I called Dana Brown. This is my wonderful friend who told me, just in case I did go into labor to call her. She didn't answer. I panicked a little. Who do I call?
She called me back, almost instantly. Some relief set in. "Dana, I'm bleeding and I have to go to the hospital please come now!"
I asked Scott to bring me some large 30x20 absorbent pads that I had saved from my last C-Section. I wrapped them around my body, tried to rinse the blood off of my legs and started hurrying towards the door. Scott stopped me and told me that I had to put pants on. At the time this was annoying to me. I just wanted to go, and go NOW. But he helped me pull some sweatpants on. I took one last look as I left my bedroom. It looked like a murder scene to me. It felt like I had left a part of me allover the place. Blood on the bed, on the carpet, on the tile, dripping down the toilet, splattered in the shower. Off we went. Coat less. Shoeless.
The ride to the hospital was filled with the sound of my voice, praying and pleading with Heavenly Father to save the baby and let everything be alright. Was this it? Would I ever meet my son? I was shaking uncontrollably and could tell I was in shock.
Haley called me as we drove the short distance to the hospital. She told me she was there waiting for me.
I cried.
As I got out of the car I sat in the wheel chair. I was glad that Scott had made me put some pants on and that Haley was there to meet me. She rushed me towards Labor and Delivery.
Continued
February 14, 2011
It started as a normal Valentine's Day, except for the guilt I was feeling over not doing anything special for my family. I hadn't made sugar cookies with almond frosting, or bought gifts or even planned something fun for me and my lover...I had just written the day off as a failure. I was scheduled to deliver my fourth child on the morning of the 16th, 2 days from now. I was huge and uncomfortable, and I couldn't figure out how I was going to sit in the chair at the salon for three hours while Megan performed her magic and made me wonderfully blonde.
The three hours at the salon passed surprisingly fast and I was off to pick up my kids from Haley's house. When I arrived I was invited to stay for lunch. I vegged on Haley's couch and just let her pamper me. Good 'ole Tyler even picked me up my very own Diet Pepsi and I sat and sipped on it for hours while the kids played.
The rest of the day is pretty blurry which means I probably went home and took a long nap. When Scott arrived home from work he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers in hand and my guilt for dropping the ball on Valentine's Day set in again. Bad Wife. Bad Mom.
When we retired to bed that night I sent a text to Haley to thank her for feeding and pampering the fat lady on her couch all afternoon. She was working the night shift as a nurse in Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told me NOT to go into labor because they were swamped and didn't have any room. I fell asleep thinking about how glad I was that I could just sleep the night away and knew that I was having the baby in two days. I still had a lot to do to get ready.
February 15, 2011
1:15 AM
I awoke in a sudden panic. I wondered if I had just wet my pants. I sat up on the side of my bed and felt a real rush of fluid and realized that this must be it, my water broke! A million thoughts went through my mind in that instant. At the top of the list was my amazement that I had been right.That the nagging feeling that I was going to go into labor on my own, which I had never done before, came true.
As I ran for the bathroom, it felt as if I was in a slow motion dream. What started out as instant excitement suddenly became my darkest fear. As my head turned around to view what was happening I noticed that what I thought had been my water breaking, instead was blood. In one second my eyes trailed from the blood on the mattress to the blood on the floor. I sat down on the toilet staring at the blood draining down my legs and I felt sudden panic. I had just read a blog about a couple wanting to adopt a child after their own baby had been stillborn at 39 weeks. "Oh, please, Lord, no!"
I glanced back into the toilet at the blood that was coming out of me. From the bathroom I could see two blood clots laying on my carpet about the size of my fist. I finally came out of my daze. I yelled for Scott.
Scott had been disappearing to the couch every night. I had been suffering from a weird pregnancy symptom which had caused all of my sinuses to swell and I couldn't breathe at night. He couldn't stand the snoring (can you blame him?) and had stared sleeping on the couch. I yelled for him again. He entered the room and shock fell over him too. It was a bloody mess. I told him to get me my phone and I immediately began making phone calls from the bathroom toilet.
I called Haley but she didn't answer.
I called 911. I told the woman that answered that I was in shock and couldn't think clearly and to transfer me to the Hospital. She told me that she couldn't do that but that she could call them for me. This was perfect. I told her to tell Labor and Delivery that I was coming in and to make room, to call my doctor immediately and to have him on his way. I told her to tell them that I was bleeding, and bleeding hard. She asked me for some information and then we hung up. This was the best call I made. This wonderful woman was true to her word and the hospital was called immediately.
Next I called Dana Brown. This is my wonderful friend who told me, just in case I did go into labor to call her. She didn't answer. I panicked a little. Who do I call?
She called me back, almost instantly. Some relief set in. "Dana, I'm bleeding and I have to go to the hospital please come now!"
I asked Scott to bring me some large 30x20 absorbent pads that I had saved from my last C-Section. I wrapped them around my body, tried to rinse the blood off of my legs and started hurrying towards the door. Scott stopped me and told me that I had to put pants on. At the time this was annoying to me. I just wanted to go, and go NOW. But he helped me pull some sweatpants on. I took one last look as I left my bedroom. It looked like a murder scene to me. It felt like I had left a part of me allover the place. Blood on the bed, on the carpet, on the tile, dripping down the toilet, splattered in the shower. Off we went. Coat less. Shoeless.
The ride to the hospital was filled with the sound of my voice, praying and pleading with Heavenly Father to save the baby and let everything be alright. Was this it? Would I ever meet my son? I was shaking uncontrollably and could tell I was in shock.
Haley called me as we drove the short distance to the hospital. She told me she was there waiting for me.
I cried.
As I got out of the car I sat in the wheel chair. I was glad that Scott had made me put some pants on and that Haley was there to meet me. She rushed me towards Labor and Delivery.
Continued
The Gift of Life: A Reflection
Well, one month ago a perfect baby boy was born. I have been wrestling over the past week about how to record his birth. It has been a traumatic and painful event for me. Which is why I wasn't sure how to write about it. I have a hard time writing about hard things. When I write about hard and painful experiences it makes me feel ungrateful. And I can assure you that I am NOT ungrateful; in fact, I am so grateful I think my eyes might burst.
I have decided to try and write about this experience with as much detail as I can for two reasons.
1. So that I never forget the great miracles that have taken place in my life.
2. So that maybe if someone else ever has to go through the same thing, it might help them by having a point of reference to compare their experiences too.
So I will begin to try and relay the past month. The beautiful, the pretty, the bad and the down right ugly.
I have decided to try and write about this experience with as much detail as I can for two reasons.
1. So that I never forget the great miracles that have taken place in my life.
2. So that maybe if someone else ever has to go through the same thing, it might help them by having a point of reference to compare their experiences too.
So I will begin to try and relay the past month. The beautiful, the pretty, the bad and the down right ugly.
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