January 23, 2012

Week 3 Report & Weight In: Oh Crap

Alright people it is time to get serious. I'm lost in limbo. My brain is mentally defeating me.

It is time to get serious and kick some butt because I have a long road ahead of me. I still need to lose 30 lbs.

30 lbs.

Yikes, that is a small person.
I've gone downhill the past few weeks. I've been feeling sorry for myself. I packed up all of my baby stuff and gave it away. {insert tears}

I am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am probably {most likely but will still have to fast and pray about it} done having babies.

I wanted 20 of them you know. {And so did Scott which makes it even harder to accept}

But my poor body has been through a lot. And I have 4 beautiful children that need a mom that can take care of them.

So while I might visit this thought in the future...for now I need to be content, and grateful, and happy with what I have. {even though I really wish I was trying for another baby}

So there have been a lot of tears. I'm pretty sad. {REALLY SAD!}

And when my friend showed up on Saturday 
and took away all my sweet baby things, 
I opened up my heart to a different plan. 
Not the one I had ever had in my mind.

The one where I don't get to see those pink lines on that stick.
I won't get to see my stomach roll when I lay in the tub.
I won't feel the tiny impressions of those first few kicks.
I won't watch in amazement at the ultrasound on the monitor.
I won't feed a new little one for the first time.

I have some really deep soul searching to do.
Some prayers that need to be answered and peace that needs to be found.

I have never wanted to do anything but be a mother.

On the other hand, I can barely keep up with the kids that I have. So I have a lot still to learn. I still have little ones to love and hold and kiss and snuggle with. I have plenty of laundry to wash, floors to clean, towels to fold, meals to make, and carpools to drive.

I just find so much joy and contentment and love in adding to our family.

I secretly want to adopt two little Ethiopian kids. 
A girl and a boy.

Lucy and Luther.

Ya, they have names in my mind.

And maybe I will find them. Maybe they will find me.

Or maybe I will just have to give my love to others through service. Lose myself in serving the Lord.

I have been given so much already. SO much.

So I am committing now to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to start feeling gratitude everyday.
I'm going to discover what else I have to offer the world.
I'm going to keep working towards my health and fitness goals.

I am going to get there.
And awesome things are going to happen along the way.


Rozy Lass said...

Oh how I know what you are feeling. My body didn't fall apart, my marriage did and I was afraid of being the single mom of five children. By the time our marriage healed it was too late for more children. One day in the temple I had a really sacred experience feeling the blessings of eternal increase and knew that if I live worthy I'll be able to have babies for eternity! No other blessing compares. Your heart is in the right place and we will be blessed in the eternities with all that we can't have here. Press forward with faith.

I know what you mean about the pounds too. I was doing really good until the Girl Scouts came to the door with their cookies!!! Well they're all gone now and I can get back to business. One step at a time sweetheart, one step at a time.

The Hojnackes said...

I had to come to terms with my body not being able to handle more babies several years ago. There are still days that I wish I could have just one more. It is a hard thing. Now I get to try to fix my body. It is a lot of work. I think sometimes we forget that this life is about us as well, and not just raising children. We can focus on developing our talents, strengthening our marriages, and cultivating wonderful friendships while we raise our children. God has given us so much to fill our lives!

Shaylynn... Red Lipstick and Melodies said...

Bless your heart. 20 children. Oh man.

Ashley said...

I know how you feel. I have been going through and getting rid of all our baby items too. I want more children and my husband doesn't. :( It's hard to accept and it is something that I am really grieving over.

Jocelyn Christensen said...

I'm so there too dontcha know!!!! Hugs!

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

My mother wanted 10 kids at least. Her body only gave her five. After #5 the doctors told her it would literally kill her if she had another one. She was all "If I have enough faith I can have another one!" and then my dad said, "Whatever. When you die I'll just marry someone else to raise your children." That got her! She then realized if she raised her five and they got married she'd have her ten.

Being the oldest I know what a hard thing it was for her to go through. But I am so thankful she choose US to live for and raise. You are doing the same for your kiddos!

Olivia said...

So sorry you're feeling sad! :( It's a special thing to feel the need to have more children after having four already!!! You have lots of love to give! I hope God provides you with a Luther and Lucy!

Brian and Emily said...

Erin, you are amazing! You have been through so much and I am sure it is difficult to think that season of life is over. You will be strengthened as you move forward with your goals. I love you for being such a great motivator to others. I can still remember when you were there for me as I ran my first Triathlon, you were amazing, I love watching the video footage I have from that and hearing you screaming and cheering as I crossed the finish line!! I hope you can hear me screaming and cheering for you in all these things you want to accomplish . . . . . all the way from Canada. Love ya!!

Joanna said...

You're too cute! And you're right, you do have four amazing chitins! I think adoption is amazing too, though. So maybe give your body a little break and go for it in a couple years when the kids are a little older? And in my opinion, you look fantastic, mama!

Wendy said...

Best in your journey! It is a journey and you can mourn the current change. And hopefully the service you will give will help enlighten and lift your soul!

Liz said...

It kinda hurts, doesn't it? I also have 4 and my husband doesn't want anymore. I cried when he told me. There has been such good advice and comfort given already, and all I can say is, I feel your ache too. And we'll get through it.

cathhasablog@gmail.com said...

Hey girl, looks like you are doing the right thing..."Trusting in the Lord with all your heart..." I'm going through something similar, being 36 and having to have a hysterectomy. It's why I started blogging, I'm on medical leave and so bored! I really like your blog and I look forward to being your new loyal follower! When you have a chance, come by for a visit at my blog, Home is Where my Heart is @ http://cathhasablog.blogspot.com/ Big Hug, Cath

Brenny said...

This makes me so sad! I wanted to have 5 kids but I barely made it through the first one. And even after that my body feel apart 2 weeks after having her. I'm only now starting to heal.

But yay you have 4 beautiful and healthy babes! And you never know what God has planned for you know. Hugs from one of your readers <3 xx

Songbook said...

This is so hard. I hope you get to adopt those kids- maybe when your children are a little older, and the work load is a little lighter?

Sending my love.

Maria said...

lucy and luther - i love it.
i'm sorry times have been trying. you've got the right attitude. sending feel good vibes and positive thoughts your way. <3
happy to found you from the hop!

Kristi McInerney said...

Hi friend, I will be mailing your book this week to you...and you are our guest at the Blog Hop today!

Praying for you and your goal!

Keeping up with Kristi

jessica dukes said...

i am a new follower, firstly.

and i love this post, i wanted twelve kids. no lie. and it is no surprise that i am a nanny and have been my entire life. i just got married last year and am 35, so the twelve kids aren't going to happen. every day i long for a baby and know that soon, and now it can be in the cards for me and that my story has just stared.

i love your blog and your babies are beautiful.


The Lee Family Happenings said...

I pray that you find Lucy and Luther. That's somewhere I've always wanted to adopt from too :) And you can totally lose the weight! It'll take time, but don't give up!

~Sara said...

Hi Erin~ I am a new follower, just found your blog. It looks like you have a busy exciting life.Your post brought back lots of memories for me. I have four children and after three we were wondering how many God would have for us.. With my fourth pregnancy I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and had to be on steroids and hospitalized. It made me realize that I was quite a busy woman with what I had on my plate(oh ya, I was homeschooling the others at the time ages 9,8,and 5 as well as caring for ailing parents). I started being thankful for what God had given us and realized that I couldn't be perfect. I could do it all and needed to rely on help.Well that was 19 years ago. Our youngest just went off to college. Yes don't forget about all of the energy to deal with a sick child(our youngest has stomach and anxiety issues constantly, all of the sports(rides, games, washing uniforms, etc.) they will be in, the homework, volunteering at church and part time jobs, and oh yes~college, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, them moving away.....AND THEN.... GRANDCHILDREN!! which is where we are now. lol Good luck with all of those decisions in life. They come one day at a time. Blessings ~Sara

psalm 20:4
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Corine said...

I cried off and on for years knowing it wasn't God's will for me to have more kids (I wanted 8-12, I got 4). Being older and wiser now I realize those tears were all in vain. Why should I regret God's will; His will is ALWAYS what will bring us the greatest joy; He knows best! I know the challenge of accepting His will though, when it goes against your deepest dreams. My big dream was a big family. Now my big dream is to do His will, and bring about as many good things as I can without any fuss or worry over what I can not do. Praying for you during this mental transition...

PS. Here is an article with great tips for weight loss:

This blog will be updated and running again soon...

Heather said...

What a wonderful outlook on life you have! I found you through Jocelyn's blog. Love finding people who are so honest and true to themselves. My heart breaks for you and your desire to have more children, but truly Heavenly Father will provide a way for you to feel peace in your life.

On the weight loss stuff, I will have had 4 kids in 7 years this April. I sucked it up and got motivated and lost 20 lbs after my last baby. I posted about it on my blog. I swear, it is one of the easiest programs. No fuss and perfect for a busy mom! http://bellesbazaar-heather.blogspot.com/2011/07/fridays-favorite_14.html

Can't wait to see what you have to read in the future!