Week 3 Report & Weight In: Oh Crap

Alright people it is time to get serious. I'm lost in limbo. My brain is mentally defeating me.

It is time to get serious and kick some butt because I have a long road ahead of me. I still need to lose 30 lbs.

30 lbs.

Yikes, that is a small person.
I've gone downhill the past few weeks. I've been feeling sorry for myself. I packed up all of my baby stuff and gave it away. {insert tears}

I am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am probably {most likely but will still have to fast and pray about it} done having babies.

I wanted 20 of them you know. {And so did Scott which makes it even harder to accept}

But my poor body has been through a lot. And I have 4 beautiful children that need a mom that can take care of them.

So while I might visit this thought in the future...for now I need to be content, and grateful, and happy with what I have. {even though I really wish I was trying for another baby}

So there have been a lot of tears. I'm pretty sad. {REALLY SAD!}

And when my friend showed up on Saturday 

and took away all my sweet baby things, 

I opened up my heart to a different plan. 

Not the one I had ever had in my mind.

The one where I don't get to see those pink lines on that stick.

I won't get to see my stomach roll when I lay in the tub.

I won't feel the tiny impressions of those first few kicks.

I won't watch in amazement at the ultrasound on the monitor.

I won't feed a new little one for the first time.

I have some really deep soul searching to do.
Some prayers that need to be answered and peace that needs to be found.

I have never wanted to do anything but be a mother.

On the other hand, I can barely keep up with the kids that I have. So I have a lot still to learn. I still have little ones to love and hold and kiss and snuggle with. I have plenty of laundry to wash, floors to clean, towels to fold, meals to make, and carpools to drive.

I just find so much joy and contentment and love in adding to our family.

I secretly want to adopt two little Ethiopian kids. 

A girl and a boy.

Lucy and Luther.

Ya, they have names in my mind.

And maybe I will find them. Maybe they will find me.

Or maybe I will just have to give my love to others through service. Lose myself in serving the Lord.

I have been given so much already. SO much.

So I am committing now to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to start feeling gratitude everyday.
I'm going to discover what else I have to offer the world.
I'm going to keep working towards my health and fitness goals.

I am going to get there.
And awesome things are going to happen along the way.