Pioneer Day & What I'm Reading!

Happy Pioneer Day!

I can hardly stand waiting for Pioneer Day. July is the best month ever. Not only do we get to celebrate Our Country's Independence, but we get to celebrate the entry of Brigham Young and the first group of Mormon pioneers into the Great Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847. 

Oh, how I love the Pioneers. I love their faith, their strength, their testimonies, their legacy and their stories.

My all time favorite Novel I've ready about the Pioneers is The Fire & The Covenant by Gerald N. Lund.

If you haven't read this book you MUST!!! It was SO AMAZING. Absolutely a fabulous book.

And I am currently about 100 pages away from finishing The Winds And The Waves by Dean Hughes. I am so excited to be reading this book on Pioneer Day. I was hoping to be able to finish it today, but I'm thinking that I am going to be too busy taking the kids to our Ward's Pioneer Day Celebration. I even bought a bike yesterday and I'm hoping to ride with the kids to the party.

I am enjoying this book so much, and the good news is that it is the first book in the new series called Come To Zion. The bad news is that the 2nd book doesn't come out until next summer. I hate waiting!!! Do you like reading Novel's about church history as much as I do? Seriously I can't get enough! 

I also read a great article on Dean Hughes today and you can find it {here}. The article discuses Dean Hughes research that does for writing the books, a little about the books and more about Dean. Really interesting. 

Kate and I snuggled up on the couch on Sunday night and watched 17 Miracles again together. I cry my eyes out every time I watch it, it never gets old. I feel such a gratitude for the sacrifices made by the pioneers who came before me! I am humbled so much by their faith, service and humility. I am lucky that my children have two of their own pioneers, their grandpa's, to look up to. Both of their grandpa's were converts to the church and are incredible examples of faithful, righteous priesthood holders. Love you Dad and Blake!

There is also a current DESERET BOOK COUPON CODE which is good for 30% off, so treat yourself to one of these books. 

Use code: SUMMER

Now go buy yourself something good to read!!!

6 Year-Old Tears

Kate came home from School today in tears.

She threw open the door, walked into the house and chucked her backpack across the room.

The first words out of her mouth were,

"It's all your fault!"

I couldn't get any more information out of her for about 5 minutes. Kate gets really quiet when she is angry. She boils for what seems like hours until the tears seem to pop out of her face.

The tears break my heart.

And then I get frustrated and mad.

"Kate, I can't help you if you don't tell me what is wrong."

I finally decide to give her space and I leave the room.
5 minutes later I check on her.
I can't find her.
I look everywhere.
When I go to her room I find her under her covers crying.

Words don't really work with Kate. You have to give her space and time. She is stubborn but also sensitive. She has a hard time communicating her emotions.

I slip into her bed behind her and wrap my arms around her. It is all I can do to just keep my mouth shut. A few minutes pass and she turns into my hug. The tears are still coming.

"Kate, what happened?"

"They all made fun of me." She continued to tell me that some of the kids teased her about her leg-warmers. The kids were suppose to dress silly today, for Dr. Seuss. When I dropped her off at school there were plenty of other boys and girls dressed in mix-matching, funny clothes too. I didn't think that we had gone too extreme and I sort of thought that she was adorable.

I probably messed up the next part by telling her that the other kids were probably jealous of her, or hadn't seen leg-warmers before. I told her that the boys that teased her probably thought that she was cute, and the girls probably thought that she was pretty. I told her that there are lots of ways that kids tease other kids and the reason is never what you would think.

I then told her that there will  be people that come into her life that won't like her.

They won't like who she is, what she looks like, what she does, or what she stands for.

I told her that there will be nothing that she can do to change the way that these people may view her and that she shouldn't waste her sweet tears caring what they think about her. I told her to figure out who she wants to be and to be it.

And then I gave her an extra tight hug, looked into her eyes and told her that her family will always love her. I told her that we will always love who she is, what she looks like, what she does and what she stands for. We will be right here. I told her that her Heavenly Father also loves her more than she could possibly imagine. I told her that she is safe here at home, and that she can tell me anything that troubles her and I will try my best to help her. I told her that her true friends will always have her back, they will always love her and they will always be kind.

Kate, the world won't always love you. 

But I will. 

Sunday Thoughts: Sifting Souls

I rolled over in bed to make eye contact with Scott...

"Are you ready for this?", I said.

I had already pushed snooze every 5 five minutes for the last hour and a half. We were both clinging to the edges of our bed as Sawyer's head rested near Scott's chest and his feet were pushing on my thigh. I closed my eye's and reopened them to watch Scott rise. Somehow it always feels easier to get up when I am following behind Scott.

Thank the heaven's for Sunday Mornings.

~~~~

*Image found {Here}

My family gains so much from attending church on Sunday mornings. Some mornings run smoothly, and some are chaotic, but NEVER do I ever regret getting my family into that chapel. There is such a peace and comfort that I receive at church that fuels me for the coming week. Taking the sacrament and renewing my covenants each week helps to keep me focused on what really matters in life.

For the past few weeks I've been trying to prepare for next Sunday when Scott and I will be speaking to the Stake Single Adults at their monthly fireside.

I've decided to title my talk Sifting Souls. I was inspired by Kim over at Oh, Sweet Joy. Her post entitled Sift My Soul really moved me and got me thinking.

Who is Jesus Christ?

He is a Soul Sifter.

He reaches into us, moves around all that we are, and helps rid us of our impurities. It isn't always comfortable and sometimes we get jarred around quite a bit.

I've been thinking a lot about how he Sifts our Soul's. For me most recently it has been through injury, illness and infirmity. For some it is through loss. It can be through the Holy Ghost, the scriptures, a sermon at church, financial struggles, unemployment, or loneliness. The list can go on forever. The one thing that is certain is that we all need to be sifted. 


And I think that the Lord uses all of these opportunities to search our souls and to heal us.

On Christmas Eve, Ryan and Kelly Pack were traveling to their home in American Fork, UT, when a SUV crossed the median and hit their car head on. Their life was changed instantly. They sustained very critical injuries and on Christmas Day their sweet 18 month old son passed away.

I don't know this family, but I can grieve with them. I know that this will be a time of a great sifting in their lives. They will have to rely on their faith and on their Savior to survive.

I wanted to share with you a sweet video that was made of Colum's funeral. I warn you that it is very hard to watch and contains quite sensitive footage, but I assure you it is beautiful. I wonder if the Lord won't sift our souls as we watch it.


Colum Jacob Pack Funeral 6/29/2010 - 12/25/2011 from Kenny Bozich on Vimeo.

Please if you have any thoughts or feelings regarding this post will you please share them with me as I am preparing to speak on this subject next Sunday. I would really appreciate it.

And if you would like to donate to the Pack Family you can do so {HERE}.

Spinal Meningitis Symptoms: Please Read!

{Please Read The Symptoms 

even if you don't have time to read the guts.}

Spinal Meningitis

• Severe & Worsening Headache 
• Extremely stiff neck and spine
• Fever & Chills
• Vomiting or loss of appetite
• Confusion
• Sensitivity to light

I am so heartbroken today. On Monday a Young Man passed away from meningitis. He left behind 3 children under the age of 4 and a pregnant wife. 

For those of you that don't know, I was hospitalized with Spinal Meningitis last year.

I want to quickly educate you on some of the basics of Meningitis.

First of all there is no way to know what kind of meningitis you or your child has without seeing your doctor and undergoing a spinal tap.

1. Viral meningitis may improve without treatment in a few days.
2. Bacterial meningitis is serious, and requires prompt antibiotic treatment to avoid serious brain damage, hearing loss and death. Some types of bacterial meningitis can prove fatal if not treated within the first 24 hours of symptoms.

The scariest thing about Meningitis is that it isn't easy to know if you have it. 

{Here is a brief account of my story}

August 24th of 2010 I was making dinner and started to get a headache. By the time 7:00pm rolled around and The Bachelor came on I was laying in bed with a really bad headache. I remember laying there trying to watch the show, but not really being able to concentrate on what was happening. My headache started at the front of my head and spread evenly and consistently over my head and started down the back of my head. The only way I can describe it was like putting on a headache helmet. It started in the front and as it got worse it just followed down my neck.

I was 14 weeks pregnant and thought that the headache was pregnancy related. I fell asleep and woke up at 11:00 pm. When I woke up I told Scott to go to the store and get me Excedrin and Sprite. Being pregnant, I knew I wasn't suppose to take anything, but I had gotten to the point that I didn't care. The fever and chills started in and I was so out of it. I fell asleep again and woke up at 4:00 in the morning. The house was quiet and I made my way to the kitchen. I opened up the cupboard and pulled out the Children's Tylenol and drank what was left in the bottle (not recommended). I got on my knees and started to pray. 

I asked Heavenly Father to please let me know if something was seriously wrong. I asked for guidance. It felt different from anything I had ever felt before. I knew I was really sick. I just didn't know if I needed treatment.

I got on the internet and started typing in my symptoms. I used the symptom checker at the MayoClininc.com. Meningitis was the first cause listed. I didn't have any idea what it was. My symptoms seemed to be exact.

I prayed again. I didn't want to feel like a fool if I showed up at the ER and only had the FLU. I wasn't sure what was wrong.

As I prayed I had the distinct impression that it was not worth risking the health of the baby and to get myself to the ER. 

By this time the Tylenol had kicked in a little and it was 6 am. I decided to drive myself to the ER (small town, only a few blocks away but still stupid in hindsight). When I got there I told them that I thought I had meningitis and I needed a spinal tap.

When the Dr. came into the room he told me...

"Having meningitis is like winning the lottery. 

It Doesn't happen that often, but when it does it is big."

 He told me my chances of having meningitis were small and that he didn't think I needed a spinal. 

I can only thank the Holy Ghost for confirming to me at that point that I needed to have a spinal. I told the doctor that I wanted to have the spinal and he agreed.

( I will just throw in here that having a spinal while being pregnant with meningitis was one of the most painful experiences of my life.)

Within an hour I had the results that I did in fact have meningitis. I was admitted into the hospital immediately.

It took 48 hours to confirm that I had viral meningitis and not bacterial, but my five day stay in the hospital was the best thing for me. I was so sick. Shaking, puking, stiff, weak, freezing, headache from HELL. It took almost a month for me to regain my strength to even be able to walk around my house. I thank my Heavenly Father for guiding me safely through it.

Please familiarize yourself with the symptoms so that if you or one of your children ever have them, you will recognize them. It could save lives.

I am so, so, so sad for this poor family.

Utah Recap: A Surprise, Friends & Family, The Real Diagnosis

I was planning on heading to Utah on Tuesday, but decided last minute to pick up and leave on Halloween. It was perfect timing because Scott was HORRIFIED when he got home from work. He had quite a scare when he saw the piles of laundry and the sink full of dishes that I left him to take care of. Hee hee hee...I'm always sneaking out of my duties aren't I. Scott and Dylan stayed behind and I took the rest of the kids with me.

Kate, Sauce and Wiggs were waiting on the door step for Nana and Papa to open the door. 

It was an Awesome Surprise. 

They had NO idea we were coming.

Wyatt was so cute just sitting up like a big boy in his little Devil Costume.

My mom always has yummy bread bowls and soup waiting for visitors on Halloween so we hit the jackpot.

The Robinson's were over so we got to chat with them for a bit. It was so fun.

My Dad loves to sneak up on the kids wearing his fake teeth. Sawyer was a little bit scared.

We ventured next door to visit my Uncle Jeff and Aunt Pam. Holland was over visiting and I was so happy to see her. I'm in love with her and one of these days I'm taking her. Whit, you better keep a close eye on her. She is all mine! So cute.

Uncle Jeff also had a bag of gifts waiting to give to Kate. My kids love visiting Uncle Jeff's house. He always is sending them home with such nice gifts. Kate was thrilled and I couldn't believe how generous they are with my kids when they have about 200 of their own adorable grand kids. I love them.

Friends & Family

On our trip we got to see...

• Joe & Courtney (Kate was in Heaven trick or treating with Sailor and her big girl friends.)
• Shayne & Mike (They let us hang out at their house and it was so fun to chat and gab)
• Hollie & Kids (Hollie watched my kids for me TWICE, for both of my Dr.'s appointments she has been my best friend for like 25 years or something. We are getting old.
• Kimm (we had a sleepover at my parents house. Come on, you are never too old for a sleepover.)
• Angela (I got to visit her and she also watched my kids for me when I had my CAT scan on Friday.)
• Dustin & Jenna (we had a mock birthday party for Kate Bug and we met at Malawi's in Provo.)
• Jill ( Jill is a blogging friend of mine and I surprised her at her work. If you want to see a really ugly picture of me you can click over to her blog. {She captured the moment}.)
• The Robinson's (I took sue some creamies because she is still trying to recover from her HUGE surgery and still feeling pretty lousy.)

The REAL Diagnosis

Thursday I went in for my bladder scope. There is a fancy word for it but it escapes me. It was pretty uncomfortable and pretty painful. I tried to be strong but I started crying. I became really emotional when Dr. Cahoon found the hole (fistula) which I had been suspecting.

I'm not sure why I started crying so hard. 

It felt good to know that I wasn't crazy. 

It was scary knowing that I was going to have to have it fixed. 

It brought back a lot of painful memories from my recovery earlier this year.

It also brought up feelings of anger. 

Dr. Cahoon saw that I was emotional and let me get dressed and then meet him in his office. I was glad that my mom was with me. Some things are just too hard to do on your own.

At one point I because emotional again. I was feeling so angry. I was so mad that this had even happened to me in the first place and that nobody believed me or listened to me for the last 8 months.

I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I knelt down and started to pray. (I probably should have thought about this more because I had spilled my urine sample on the floor earlier. I wonder how much pee is on that floor. It has to happen all the time. I said a swear word when I spilled my urine and I NEVER swear. Gross.) I asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for being angry. I asked him to help me forgive my OBGYN and the nurse that poked the hole in my bladder. I started to feel grateful. Grateful that I am alive. Grateful that I found a Doctor that can help me get better. Grateful that I had been inspired to know what was wrong with myself. Grateful that I wasn't in pain. Grateful that I had a healthy family. Grateful that I was the one that was in need of help and not one of my children. Grateful that I was alive and not worse.

I found that I had a lot to be grateful for.

I was still really emotional as I went back into Dr. Cahoon's office to discuss the process of fixing me.

The Verdict:

It is a pretty intensive surgery. They will have to work to separate the bladder and the uterus. They will have to slice open the bladder again and remove all the bad tissue and all of the stuff that is in my bladder. (You don't even want to know). They will then close the bladder back up. They will also close up the hole in my Uterus. Then they will try to put new tissue between the Bladder and the Uterus. They will also try to pull down some of my Omentum (have you ever watched Dr. Oz?) and try to get it to lay between the two organs. Hopefully this will help them from joining each other again. There is a nice chance that I will also have a big huge scar heading north up to my belly button. I told the doctor that I am way past vanity and I just want to be BETTER. 

He sent me for a CT Scan on Friday. I've been having an issue with my bowel too so I am suppose to schedule a colonoscopy. I want to wait to see what the CT scan says before I do that though.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. I'm sure at some point I will talk more about this, but for now I am just going to be GRATEFUL I am on my way to recovery.

Have a great weekend folks.

Do you love Surprises?

Have you had a Colonoscopy?

Have you told your Bladder lately that you love it?

Have you ever spilled your urine sample?

What are you GRATEFUL FOR?

Self Diagnosis

I have to write this down. 

Feel free to NOT read this post if it is just too much information.

Remember last year when I was at the emergency room and the ER doctor told me that my chances of having spinal meningitis were about as good as me winning the LOTTERY???
And remember when he told me not to have a spinal, but that it was up to me?
And remember how hard it was for me to decide to have a spinal but I just went with my deepest feelings which I feel to be right? (thank you Holy Ghost)
And remember when I did have Spinal Meningitis {What a way to win the lotto?} and ended up spending a week in the hospital?

Well I remember. It was so weird. But through prayer and the Holy Ghost I just sort of knew what was wrong with me.

And now I think that I have Menouria. If you knew how rare this is you would probably not pay much attention to me just like my Doctors.

Menouria is { Menstruation occurring through the urinary bladder as a result of vesicouterine fistula}

So far I'm the only one who thinks that I have this, but I REALLY think that I do.

Remember last month when I posted that horrible picture of my urine {Here}.

Well it started again today. Just out of the blue. Perfect urine...straight to Bleeding To Death Urine. So this has happened {THREE} consecutive months in a row.

Remember when my Doctor completely bisected my bladder during my C-section in February?
Remember how he then had to sew my bladder closed and I lost half of the size of my bladder?
Remember then how the nurse shoved the Foley of my catheter through my suture line and blew the Foley up inside of my Uterus.

Ya, well I think that there is still a hole there {fistula}. And I think that this is why I am so prone to infection, incontinence, and bleeding every month.

I know that people are going to think that I am nuts, but I'm going with it.

I have two doctor's appointments in American Fork next week and I am really {cross fingers} hoping that they will be able to figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm actually REALLY hoping that I am wrong. Because if I am right it will mean a major surgery to correct it.

So until I know more I am just going to keep saying my prayers, taking care of myself, working out, eating right, and trying to stay positive {which is kind of getting hard. Good thing I have the whole month of November to think about my blessings and be thankful}.

I have much to be thankful for. I really do.

Okay, I feel better.

The Gift of Life Part Two: Preparations for Delivery

Continued From Here

February 15, 2011

1:30 AM

I had barely had time to sit on the bed when nurses started buzzing in around me. I knew them all. Haley, Julie and Tina...each performing their own task. One putting a gown on me, one giving me an IV, one trying to find the fetal heart rate on the monitor.

Trying.

Trying to find the heart beat. Trying.

Still trying.

Nothing.

And this is when I closed my eyes. I put my right arm up over my face covering my eyes and I just tried to hide. Hide my emotions, my shock, my fears. I listened. I was shaking and tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't bare it.

Nothing.

One nurse took over the monitor. I could feel the tension between the two nurses. The silence was unbearable. All I could hear was static.

And then after what seemed like an eternity...

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.
He was there. He was still alive. He was still strong.

I still couldn't uncover my face. I couldn't look at anyone...I was in shock, shaking, cold, and starting to have strong contractions.

Ouch.

And for a brief moment I had a pretty normal thought about how in the world women have been enduring labor for all of time. How? It hurts so bad.

Ouch.

I was back in reality and knew that although things looked good on the monitor, something was wrong or I wouldn't be bleeding.

The room cleared for a brief moment and I asked Scott to give me a blessing. As he laid his hands on my head I felt a love that can only come from a father. My Heavenly Father. I don't remember what was said, only how I felt. I felt calm. Loved. Faithful. Even peaceful.

The room started buzzing again with nurses and Doctors.

My Dr. came into the room and for a minute I was able to joke light-heartedly about what had just taken place.

And for a moment, I allowed myself to feel excitement for the baby that I would (cross fingers) be holding very soon.

I told my Dr. to be careful. I told him that I wanted to have more kids. I told him to take his time and to put me back together better than he found me.

Who knew at that moment the irony that those words would soon possess?

Who knew?

Continued

The Gift of Life Part One: In the Middle of the Night

Continued From Here

February 14, 2011

It started as a normal Valentine's Day, except for the guilt I was feeling over not doing anything special for my family. I hadn't made sugar cookies with almond frosting, or bought gifts or even planned something fun for me and my lover...I had just written the day off as a failure. I was scheduled to deliver my fourth child on the morning of the 16th, 2 days from now. I was huge and uncomfortable, and I couldn't figure out how I was going to sit in the chair at the salon for three hours while Megan performed her magic and made me wonderfully blonde.

The three hours at the salon passed surprisingly fast and I was off to pick up my kids from Haley's house. When I arrived I was invited to stay for lunch. I vegged on Haley's couch and just let her pamper me. Good 'ole Tyler even picked me up my very own Diet Pepsi and I sat and sipped on it for hours while the kids played.

The rest of the day is pretty blurry which means I probably went home and took a long nap. When Scott arrived home from work he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers in hand and my guilt for dropping the ball on Valentine's Day set in again. Bad Wife. Bad Mom.

When we retired to bed that night I sent a text to Haley to thank her for feeding and pampering the fat lady on her couch all afternoon. She was working the night shift as a nurse in Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told me NOT to go into labor because they were swamped and didn't have any room. I fell asleep thinking about how glad I was that I could just sleep the night away and knew that I was having the baby in two days. I still had a lot to do to get ready.

February 15, 2011

1:15 AM

I awoke in a sudden panic. I wondered if I had just wet my pants. I sat up on the side of my bed and felt a real rush of fluid and realized that this must be it, my water broke! A million thoughts went through my mind in that instant. At the top of the list was my amazement that I had been right.That the nagging feeling that I was going to go into labor on my own, which I had never done before, came true.

As I ran for the bathroom, it felt as if I was in a slow motion dream. What started out as instant excitement suddenly became my darkest fear. As my head turned around to view what was happening I noticed that what I thought had been my water breaking, instead was blood. In one second my eyes trailed from the blood on the mattress to the blood on the floor. I sat down on the toilet staring at the blood draining down my legs and I felt sudden panic. I had just read a blog about a couple wanting to adopt a child after their  own baby had been stillborn at 39 weeks. "Oh, please, Lord, no!"

I glanced back into the toilet at the blood that was coming out of me. From the bathroom I could see two blood clots laying on my carpet about the size of my fist. I finally came out of my daze. I yelled for Scott.

Scott had been disappearing to the couch every night. I had been suffering from a weird pregnancy symptom which had caused all of my sinuses to swell and I couldn't breathe at night. He couldn't stand the snoring (can you blame him?) and had stared sleeping on the couch. I yelled for him again. He entered the room and shock fell over him too. It was a bloody mess. I told him to get me my phone and I immediately began making phone calls from the bathroom toilet.

I called Haley but she didn't answer.

I called 911. I told the woman that answered that I was in shock and couldn't think clearly and to transfer me to the Hospital. She told me that she couldn't do that but that she could call them for me. This was perfect. I told her to tell Labor and Delivery that I was coming in and to make room, to call my doctor immediately and to have him on his way. I told her to tell them that I was bleeding, and bleeding hard. She asked me for some information and then we hung up. This was the best call I made. This wonderful woman was true to her word and the hospital was called immediately.

Next I called Dana Brown. This is my wonderful friend who told me, just in case I did go into labor to call her. She didn't answer. I panicked a little. Who do I call?

She called me back, almost instantly. Some relief set in. "Dana, I'm bleeding and I have to go to the hospital please come now!"

I asked Scott to bring me some large 30x20 absorbent pads that I had saved from my last C-Section. I wrapped them around my body, tried to rinse the blood off of my legs and started hurrying towards the door. Scott stopped me and told me that I had to put pants on. At the time this was annoying to me. I just wanted to go, and go NOW. But he helped me pull some sweatpants on. I took one last look as I left my bedroom. It looked like a murder scene to me. It felt like I had left a part of me allover the place. Blood on the bed, on the carpet, on the tile, dripping down the toilet, splattered in the shower. Off we went. Coat less. Shoeless.

The ride to the hospital was filled with the sound of my voice, praying and pleading with Heavenly Father to save the baby and let everything be alright. Was this it? Would I ever meet my son? I was shaking uncontrollably and could tell I was in shock.

Haley called me as we drove the short distance to the hospital. She told me she was there waiting for me.

I cried.

As I got out of the car I sat in the wheel chair. I was glad that Scott had made me put some pants on and that Haley was there to meet me. She rushed me towards Labor and Delivery.

Continued

Wow's and Woe's of my life right now

Random thoughts:

Wow's:

• I am having a baby soon...like in days. What?
• My belly is huge...like Big...really big.
• I have a feeling that I might go into labor. I've never gone into labor before. With Dylan I was induced and with the other two I was scheduled. I'm scheduled with this one, but still have a nagging feeling that I might go into labor.
• My list of to do's is getting shorter. Thanks to an amazing husband who somehow knows how to read my mind...jobs like the fridge getting cleaned out, boxes getting put back into storage, kitchen floors getting scrubbed...etc...etc...my list keeps getting smaller, without me doing much work or having to ask. WOW!
• Regina and Shawri paying for me to get my toenails Shellac-ed. Have you had yours done? It is amazing! The color stays on perfectly and forever. My last time the color lasted for almost 6 weeks and was flawless. Love it!
• Last night the grocery attendant tried to help me out with my grocery's. I had to convince him to let me push my own grocery's out to my car because pushing the cart was actually holding me up and stabilizing me. I'm amazed I didn't fall over...and the thought of my water breaking while walking down the isles sort of freaked me out. I hurried so fast I didn't even get milk.
• I never really thought that I was gender biased, but I would rather have a man perform my surgery than a woman. Don't hate me.
• I feel guilty all the time about the blessing of being Sawyer's mom. I am still amazed that out of billions of people on the earth, I get to be the one to hear his sweet toned voice say "yav you mom"  or "num, num, num".
• Sawyer won't be my baby for much longer. I hope things don't change too much though. I don't know if I can live without our morning snuggles.And his fat, soft cheeks next to mine.
• I don't have a name for this baby. I have one in mind, but Scott and I haven't discussed names once.

Woe's:

• I tried to shave my bikini line the other night. My belly is so huge that I went in blindly. Um...stupid and scary.
• I can't reach the floor anymore. Like even if I squat with my legs totally far apart and bend my whole self over...my fingers can't scrape the floor.
• My ankles just started swelling a little.
• I'm in the sleeping naked phase. No clothes at night...None.
• If I go into labor before Monday Morning, the roots on my head are going to be really, really bad. Let's hope I can make my hair appointment.
• I cry to myself a lot. Everything hurts.
• I'm not ready for huge boobs. I just finished breast feeding Sawyer 9 months ago.
• I'm really not excited about getting cut open for the 4th time. C-sections are hard to recover from and anybody that says differently is not normal and completely CRAZY!
• I've gained 30 lbs. I'm hoping it is baby, blood and fluids and not Panda Express. We'll know shortly.

I really do feel completely blessed and excited to welcome a new little Mr. to our family soon. I am so lucky and so blessed and every pain, sacrifice and stretch mark will be forgotten the second I am holding him...and then I'll probably want another one.

Amazing how easy it is to forget the hard times and relish the good times.

Amazing.